Robot-Dinosaur Fantasy-Football Androids, Yes the Future is Grand

Is it me or is Chad Ochocinco an absolute genius who is ten years ahead of his time? The recent fine levied against him from the NFL front office and commissioner Roger Goodell stems from Chad Ochocinco updating his Twitter account during a preseason game. Simply put: WOW. The Miami born Chad Javon Johnson who legally changed his surname to Ochocinco in 2009 in honor of his jersey number, 85, with the Cincinnati Bengals is a technological athletic dynamo. The ten year veteran and six time Pro Bowler took the opportunity to add two separate tweets during an August 20, 2010 preseason game against the Philadelphia Eagles. In accordance with league rules players are not allowed to post any messages on social media sites 90 minutes prior to the start of play. In addition the ban is only lifted after all post game media obligations are met. I deduced that this NFL rule came into effect following a Chad Ochocinco statement in July 2009 in which he said he would start utilizing twitter during games. Chad is not only a game changer but rule-lapper extraordinaire.

All this Ochocinco madness and “ahem” innovation got me thinking about the amazing “in-game” interactive aspect to an athlete updating their Twitter feed during a live national event. What if Chad actually took cues and advice from his loyal followers? One would read: “Ochocinco fake an inside route and blow the defensive back away deep up field! And then lick the goal post!”. I can’t imagine Pittsburgh Steeler fans’ suggestions would be kind in nature. This ultra form of fan interaction and in-game alterations could affect history! Just imagine if President Barack Obama took tips from the everyday average Americans mid-speech? You thought he stuttered and went “UHM” now? Just picture him trying to assimilate Bertha from Toledo’s advice during a heated debate with Tea Party members! It’s okay Mr. President we forgive you just keep passing stimulus bills for more road construction projects, to this day I haven’t meet one person who said “I build roads because of Barack Obama”. No matter how progressive you are this is change you want no part of, Bertha will jack up your speech Mr. President…darn you Twitter!

The current to the heartbeat fluid nature of social media has serious ramifications on reporting events in the present day. Chad must have been tempted more than twice to post pictures to Facebook of himself dancing in the end zone during his touchdown celebration. Imagine if you can, up to the second Facebook updates by a professional athlete during the actual event? I suppose the fastest man in the world Usain Bolt most likely had time to hit up his Facebook account during his 100 meter Olympic Record breaking run. Mr. Bolt is so fast he could have logged into his Facebook account posted pictures of his competitors choking on his dust and hit the “like” button on this article…or “dislike” button for that matter.

Oh but if we take this a bit further we can analyze how social media updates will change the outcome of things such as the Super Bowl. Let us explore how my dear Buffalo Bills fans would have utilized the assistive tool that Twitter can be. Enter a Mr. Scott Norwood, Buffalo Bill field goal kicker at Super Bowl XXV (25) against Bill Parcells’ New York Giants. Wide right could have been prevented if some Buffalo Bill fan doubling as a weather buff would have sent Scott Norwood wind speed and barometric pressure updates via Twitter. Which Norwood would no doubt have checked via his Blackberry, iPhone or better yet an iPad if the stadium was Wi-Fi enabled of course. That was a special night no doubt a harbinger in so many ways. Whitney Houston belted out the greatest rendition of the star spangled banner ever, Jordan Sparxx is an honorable mention in that department and terrorist threats brought security to an all time high in that Tampa stadium. A quick flashback, Saddam Hussein was still in power in Iraq and George W. Bush’s dad was president. The upstate town of Buffalo suffered most. Buffalo would have had an economic up-swing if Twitter existed in 1991. Norwood actually making that 47 yard field goal has dramatic historical implications and turns on the dreaded, perplexing grandfather paradox . Time travel anyone?

Ace Ventura would have no plot and Jim Carrey would not have become the star he is now if the kick is made by Norwood. The Ray Finkle character in Ace Ventura Pet Detective was based on Scoot Norwood and so was born the Canadian comedic sensation known as Jim Carrey. So what if it never would’ve went down like this you ask? Let’s explore together. Perhaps in this alternate universe Jim Carrey does not become a side-splitting genius and this fact makes it all the more difficult for Jennifer Lopez to become “JLO”. Jennifer Lopez never hooks up with P. Diddy, I mean Diddy and no one gets shot. Perhaps Jamie Foxx never ascends form obscure imitation DJ to play Ray Charles in a major motion picture. At this point Jamie perhaps cannot afford the cell phone that sent his infamous nude pics. Perhaps in this parallel dimension Green Bay Packer legend Brett Favre never gets the idea to send pictures of his member to former Florida State cow girl cheerleader and Playboy pin up, Jenn Sterger. Yes, in this scenario Jamie Foxx albeit extremely talented is a horrible influence on America’s favorite gun-slinging, wrangler wearing, country boy quarterback. Ms. Sterger 26 at the time and Favre an interception throwing machine with the New York Jets at the same time had an unfortunate “sexting” interaction. Poor Sterger was on the receiving end of the Mississippi native’s version of “hello purty lady”. Let the record show that Favre was wearing a pair of his signature Crocs footwear in the photos. Favre wearing Crocs ruins my chubby nurse fantasy, totally ruined…forever. Ms. Sterger firmly stated “I don’t roll that way. That way meaning old…or married.” All’s well that ends well when a young lady with morals is involved.

Nevertheless this drama and turmoil all could have been prevented if Twitter existed in 1991. Did we really need the movie “Me, Myself and Irene”? I personally play this masterpiece (being facetious) simply to ward off unwanted house guests by exposing them to Renee Zellweger’s screechy voice and strained filled face. Is it me or is she Gilbert Gottfried’s oddly attractive second cousin? The Hank Evans character was a definite classic: “Oh yeah? Well this is just a fist. But when I start throwing it around I can leave one hell of a mess”. Sorry about the random movie quote but Jim Carrey made me do it.

And now for the crust of the matter folks, the smarter readers have caught on by now but don’t feel bad if you haven’t you still have a chance to catch up later on so keep reading ,drum roll please…Gatorade folks! I’m talking Gatorade bucket baths on winning coaches. The all- American Gatorade bath all began on January 27, 1991 when Scott Norwood missed that fate changing kick during the final moments of Super Bowl XXV. I can hear it in my mind’s ear like it was yesterday Al Michaels delivering that famous line: “No good! Wide right!” as coach Bill Parcells received the ceremonial Gatorade shower. This particular Gatorade shower I feel solidified the sports performance beverage as the best way to razz your head coach. I ask you if not for Gatorade would modern day energy drinks exist? Would have Redbull, Coca-Cola’s Monster or Lil John’s Crunk Juice hit the shelves at your local CVS or Walgreens if not for Scott Norwood’s misfortune and the absence of Twitter? I ask you step back and see the bigger picture, remember history is like a huge picture mosaic; separate but all connected.

So where is this all leading you ask. Let’s return to a Mr. Chad Ochocinco who is on to something big with the in-game social media updates. Imagine if you had the capability to digitally control the athletic decisions made by the actual Fantasy Football players you drafted. If for a price you could play real human athletes like a Madden video game. Now open your mind to the idea of entire NFL rosters being controlled by an “IN-GAME GAMER COACH GUY or GAL”. The average age of an NFL head coach would surely drop to 21 years of age. I predict a franchise owned and operated by Mark Zuckerberg himself! So if things got to the level that players were implanted with a chip that dictated the plays called by you the fantasy owner would that make them Androids? The future is scary but at least we have Facebook to comfort us while it simultaneously lowers the efficiency of the American work force. But does that really matter with a growing majority of us being paid to stay home any way? What is the average unemployment insurance weekly benefit payment in New Jersey? As I write this I just recalled that I forget to program my TiVo to record “In Living Color”, I just love those Fly Girls. But what if I could control them?… Android Fly Girls…hmmmm then JLO would be mine.

This is your after meal dessert:

Did you know that Chad Ochocinco served as the place kicker during an August 20, 2009 preseason game against the New England Patriots. Ochocinco kicked off and made an extra point replacing the usual kicker Shayne Graham who was injured. The extra point made by Ochocinco was the game’s difference in the Bengals’ 7 to 6 victory.

Jim Carrey and Renee Zellweger dated after meeting on the set of the movie “Me, Myself and Irene”. The relationship ended in December 2000. Following the 2000 breakup paparazzi spotted Carrey on an extravagant yacht in an apparent sick tryst with Oprah and Stedman.

Olympic Gold medalist and speed freak Usain Bolt wants to play professional soccer following his track and field career.

Four medical researchers, Robert Cade, Dana Shires, Harry James Free, and Alejandro de Quesada from the University of Florida created the original Gatorade formula in 1965. The story goes that Florida Gators football coach, Ray Graves approached the team doctor for advice on his teams’ lackluster performance throughout summer practices. The doctor put Graves in touch with the four researchers lead by Cade who came up with a thirst quencher made of water, sodium, sugar, potassium, phosphate and lemon juice. Gatorade as it was named in honor of the football team is credited with helping the Gators win their first Orange Bowl, a 1967 defeat of the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. That victory cemented Gatorade’s reputation as a revolutionary new athletic beverage. Georgia Tech head coach, Bud Carson when answering a question as to why his team loss that 1967 Orange Bowl replied: “We didn’t have Gatorade. That made the difference.”

Jennifer Lopez better known as JLO is a part owner of the Miami Dolphins.
Marc Zuckenberg’s magical website Facebook, has been banned and blocked several times in many countries such as Pakistan, Syria, China, Vietnam and Iran. Many Princes worldwide have complained that no multiple wife function exist on the info page, making it difficult to pick which demanding ball and chain to honor on FB.

Twitter collects personally identifiable information about you guys and then shares it with third parties who pay a pretty penny for your info. Twitter does not bog itself down with any displayed advertisements. Instead advertisers can directly target users based on the track history of tweets the unsuspecting Tweeters ( I think that’s a word? Or is it Twits? ) post and may even quote those tweets in the ads. Talk about pinpoint marketing…scary, I call it pecking.

I am so suspicious folks! The iPad is eerily similar to the Star Trek PADD tablet computer. Please don’t tell me Steve Jobs is a Klingon.

Monster Energy is distributed by Coca-Cola Enterprises in the U.S. but in Germany fierce competitor Pepsi is the producer, pretty strange.

Redbull is the world leader in the energy drink market. “Red Bull Cola” drinks imported in 2009 from Austria were found to contain trace amounts of cocaine according to Hong Kong officials. Whenever I hear Hong Kong officials the theme song from “Midnight Express” plays in my head.

Brett Favre is a legend, part Choctaw Native American part football stud. On July 14, 1990, just prior to the start of Favre’s senior year at Southern Miss, he was driving when a horrible car accident occurred. Doctors removed 30 inches (760 mm) of Favre’s small intestine as a result of the injuries he sustained. Just six weeks later Favre dramatically led the Golden Eagle to a comeback victory over the Alabama Crimson Tide. Crimson Tide head coach Gene Stallings said: “You can call it a miracle or a legend or whatever you want to. I just know that on that day, Brett Favre was larger than life”. Well said Gene yet you never saw Brett modeling his Crocs.

Hollywood legend Burt Reynolds attended the Florida State University via a college football scholarship, playing halfback. Reynolds hopes of athletic stardom were dashed when he was injured during his first game. With his dreams of becoming a college All-American and eventually a professional football player shattered Burt decided to begin dating Dinah Shore. Rumors have surfaced that Florida State cow girl and Brett Favre love interest, Jenn Sterger is the love child of Burt Reynolds and Dinah Shore.